huh???

this is an advisory…

wahahahahahahahahaha!!!

anyway just want to let anybody who wanders to this site know that this blog is basically going to be frozen in time…it’s like going on a never-ending hiatus…no future posts will be made here, but everything that is here will stay here…

if you are severely bored or having an out-of-body-browsing experience, feel free to check out this place for all of my new brain flatulence…and so much more!!!

so that’s it for me…ja ne!!!

yeah, yun ang tawag sa nangyari dito…

*kagat muna sa cheesecake*

nakakagulat ba na nagsusulat nako uli dito??? kasi yung streaming ang kupad…as in ten years later ang dating…hayyy!!!

anyway joke lang naman talaga ‘tong post na ito dahil hindi pa talaga ako dapat nagsusulat dito…i’m like going behind my back in posting this you know…kayo na bahala mag-imagine kung paano ko yun ginagawa…

hindi pa dapat kasi inaayos ko pa yung code para dito at para sa major-ultra-mega-powerful-sugoi-yatta-yosh na overhaul nito at ng profile ko…lalalalala, sana hindi ako tamarin…

*inom naman ng sprite*

naisip ko kasi andami ko nang isinulat na works of fiction na hindi ko pa tinatapos…well, hindi tapos siguro para sa inyo, pero para sakin matagal nang naisulat yung storya sa isipan ko…hindi naman talaga sila madami…pero tatlo na cla rawr…

…una yung Concorde series na hindi niyo nabasa dito dahil old na siya as in…not to mention di ko gusto pagkakasulat nun…pag binabasa ko na siya ngayon eh naiirita nako…and i wrote that around four years ago…damn…grabe tatapusin ko pa kaya yun???

…pangalawa yung The Beginning of the End series na will have five chapters and an epilogue…andito siya, November 2006 ko sinulat yung prologue…gusto ko itong tapusin pero rawr…para sakin kasi hindi pa siya tapos…kaya hindi ko pa alam kung dapat na ba talaga siyang isulat, lalo na yung epilogue…

*inubos na ang cheesecake*

…pangatlo yung Fairytale Bubble series na tatlong chapter lang naman, the first of which ay andyan na…parang matagal natong tapos sa isipan ko pero i guess my hesitations pa ako lalo na dun sa chapter three…parang di ko kasi gusto yung ending…

tapos ngayon, nagpplano nakong magsulat ng first episode ng isa na namang series…sobrang tagal ko nang pinag-isipan yung plot nito and all (yung characters d pa masyado) at everytime na naiisip ko ito i wish na kaya ko magdrawing ng manga, ala doujinshi ba…kasi graphic talaga siya…and it worries me na minsan my words may not do my ideas justice…grabe frustrated painter talaga lumalabas!!! wahahaha

*inubos na rin ang sprite*

anyway wala lang…iniisip ko kasi kung tatapusin ko pa yung iba…actually gusto ko tapusin yung iba…parang tama lang eh…para wala nang hangups ang literary history ko…pero malabo na talaga yung una…kasi ang haba pa nun tapos  parang ayoko na sa character ni Ross Braum at ni Iris Elysé…seryoso…parang tama na yun…ahahaha

siguro kung maddrawing ko pede pa…

baka may manga artist diyan na gustong makicollaborate please raise your hands!!! as in all of them!!! kahit ilan pa yan!!! kasi mas nababagay talaga madrawing ang mga storya na ito kaysa sa basahin lamang…

ewan ko ba…hintayin ko na nga lang muna next episode ng Heroes…ja ne!

"Everything in the world is a game. Thinking you’ve lost…giving up in the middle…is stupid. The one who lasts till the end, enjoying the game, is the winner. That’s probably the rule of this world."

                                                                                    - Kiritani Shuji

nanood kami ng kaibigan ko ng Royal Rumble nung sabado…nanood kasi kami ng New Year’s Revolution dati at since sa end of the month na yung Royal Rumble eh naging usapan namin na manood din nun (and probably lahat ng succeeding pay-per-views ng WWE)…usapan nga namin eh walang titingin sa website…hindi naman kasi namin kayang manood nung live screening, kaya usapan na lang na walang spoiler at nuod na lang sa weekend screenings…so yun…ipon ipon…tapos *poof* ubos ang pera…

siguro mas marami akong pera kung talagang magtitipid ako, na kaya ko naman talaga, pero andyan din kasi yung skul, at wala rin naman kasi akong pagiipunan…well, apparently ngayon meron na…

last week, as in saturday last week, naubos din yung pera ko…nag-counterstrike kasi kami ng barkada…yeah, sabi nga ng kaibigan ko, wala pa ring tatalo sa magic ng counterstrike…yung saya, yung kalokohan, yung katatawanan ng magpatayan virtually sa de_dust at de_dust2 ay wala pa ring katapat (wala kasi yung aming all-time favorite na cs_deathmatch kaya sa uber classic maps na lang)…

naubos talaga yung pera ko…yung klase na as in mawalan ako ng piso eh di nako makakauwi…well, that is kung magbabayad ako…eh pwede namang di magbayad…pero pag talagang nawala na lang yung piso…medyo hindi ko na gusto yung buhay delikwente’t kriminal ko dati…ibang storya na yun…

namiss ko rin pala yung ganung buhay…

nung high school, lalo na nung 3rd yr, halos araw-araw eh umuuwi ako na ingat na ingat hanggang sa huling piso…sobrang tipid sa pagkain o kaya ay nagbabaon…kasi ang pera pumupunta sa may-ari ng rentahan ng pc…paglabas ng gate eh naguunahan pang pumunta sa palaruan para makuha yung magandang pc…kasi sa panahon kung kailan 30 Php ang isang oras at pangarap pa lang ang 1GHZ na processing power eh
kailangan masulit ang pera mo…

kaya pag pauwi ka na, iniingatan mo na ang bawat piso…

ngayon, hindi ko na alam kung saan pumupunta ang pera ko…minsan meron, minsan wala…pero madalas may sobra…ngayon di ko na maatim na umuwi ng ganun…siguro lumaki nga ako…

o siguro, naging mas takot…

nung bata ako, tinuringan akong kitikiti at unggoy…di kasi mapakali at kung ano-ano ang inaakyat…naaalala ko pa nga nung tinuruan ako nung kaibigan ko kung paano ang tamang pag-akyat ng puno, bakod, bahay, at kung ano pang pwedeng akyatin…yung tinuro niya, pinaganda ko pa…yung taas na inabot niya, nilampasan ko pa…yung lapad na ayaw niyang talunin, tinatalon ko talaga…yung mga lugar na ayaw niyang puntahan, naging mga lugar na paborito kong suungin…

kapag iniisip ko lahat iyon ngayon, di ko alam kung bakit hindi sumagi sa isipan ko yung sakit na madarama ko kapag nahulog ako…na isang maling kapit, talon, o apak lang ang kailangan eh malulunod na ako sa isang mundo ng hinagpis na hindi ko alam na posible parang maramdaman…na maaaring sumira sa mundo ko…na maaaring bumago sa kinabukasan ko…

iniisip ko…dahil ba hindi ako tumingin sa baba nung nasa tuktok ako…o dahil ba hindi ko inisip na posible akong masaktan…iniisip ko lahat ng mga self-inflicted injury na natanggap ko, at sa alaala ko, hindi ako natakot sa nangyari…hindi ako natakot sa mangyayari…hindi ako natakot sa sakit…mas kinatakutan ko pang mapagalitan ng magulang ko…

ngayon, marami nakong alam na klase ng sakit…yung sakit ng katawan nung nagkasakit ako ng malala…yung sakit ng pagkatao nung nakakakuha ako ng aking unang singko…at yung sakit ng puso nung una akong sinabihan na siguro dapat maging magkaibigan na lamang kami…

ngayon, ang pinagkaiba ko lamang dun sa tinuringang kitikiti at unggoy nun ay ang kakayahan ng aking isipan na maintindihan ang mga posibilidad ng aking mga ginagawa…lalo na yung mga posibilidad na nagdudulot ng sakit…at alam ko, mayroon pang mas masakit kaysa sa mga naramdaman ko na…

pero hindi nga kaya yun ang dahilan kung bakit di ako kontento sa buhay ko…hindi nga kaya yun ang dahilan kung bakit walang humpay ang paghahanap ko sa dahilan…dahilan kung bakit ko dapat ibuhos ang aking buong loob, diwa, pwersa sa isang bagay, gawain, o tao…bakit, kung maaaring ang wakas pala nito ay masasaktan lang ako…

bakit ba ako natatakot sa sakit…sa sakit na naranasan ko na…sa sakit na sinabi ng iba na maaari kong maranasan…sa sakit na di pa man lang nasagi ng imahinasyon ko…

bakit nga ba tayo takot sa sakit…

kapag iniisip ko ito…iniisip ko na sana di na lang ako tumanda kung alam kong ito lang ang kababagsakan ko…sana ako na lang yung batang nagtatakbo sa bubong ng mga bahay at sabay tatalon pababa sa kalsada…

mula sa 2nd floor??? mababa lang yun…

malamang gugulpihin ako ng batang bersyon ko kung mabasa niya ito at makausap niya ako ngayon…maiinis siya na ito lang pala ang kababagsakan niya…walang kwenta…

pero hindi…

iniisip ko, ako pa rin yung batang iyon…mas magaling pa nga ako eh…kasi kaya kong magsulat ng ganito…kasi nabuhay ako sa buhay MaSci, nakapasok ng U.P. at malapit ng magtapos…kasi kaya kong tapusin ang Contra ng mag-isa ng walang 30 lives…

kung ang pagtanda ay magdudulot lamang ng karanasan kung saan mabubuhay ka sa takot eh ayoko nang tumanda…

ngunit kung ang patuloy na mabuhay ay magdudulot pa ng mga pagkakataon kung saan mararamdaman mo ang tamis ng isang blueberry cheesecake, ang sarap ng magkaroon ng 20 frags at 0 deaths,  at ang init ng isang akap mula sa pinakamamahal mo, eh masasabi ko ng buo ang loob na nanaisin ko pang mabuhay…

kung ang ibig sabihin ng mabuhay ay ang maglakad sa tight rope upang matawid ang grand canyon eh tara na, tumawid na tayo…

dahil iisa lang ang buhay ko…maikli pa…kaya sulitin na ang bawat segundo…galingan na ang bawat gawain…mahalin na ang bawat tao…

pagod nakong matakot…gagawin ko na ang gusto ko…kaya manigas na lang yung di ito gusto….

kaya tumabi kayo diyan…gusto kong matulog…

"What’s the word for when you used to love somebody and now you don’t anymore but every time you look at them you remember sort of that you used to love them?"

there are times in life when you just feel the irresistible impulse to not do anything. And here, anything refers to anything remotely important, urgent, or both…you just look for the first thing interesting enough to hold your attention long enough to maintain a coherent stream of thought that will get you going through the day…hopefully, each one would lead to another, then another, then another, until sleep claims you…

i have been in the misfortune to find so few of these gems of interest that i have been running on ennui for so long i’m starting to like the damn word…

needless to say i feel lost…empty…hollow…just like i left a certain plastic bag as soon as it ran out of apples…

"It never stops hurting. But we can see things nobody else lets themselves see."

the great thing about being lost is you get to spend some quality time with yourself…unless yourself is lost too…and that your looking for yourself and something else at the same time…

my horoscope for today said that i should just watch my thoughts run amok…resist the urge to dive right in and start arranging, making sense of stuff…i don’t know how i am going to do regarding all that restraint…but hey, i have the whole day to find out…

i thought i was inspired when i began writing this post…now, i realize that i had just lost another stream of thought that i thought would help me pass the time once again…

i still don’t know if i am capable of coherent streams of thought again…but what i do know is that i’d love to know what that word is…maybe it’s one of those coherence-inducing words…and maybe, i could start to wistfully watch that second hand ride the carousel again…till i lose this thought as well…

hindi…hindi ako muse poet…pero pwede rin…cguro…kunti…

ang nakakatuwa sa addiction ko sa Darjeeling Tea ay yung epekto niya sa dila ko…kasi pag umiinom ka ng mainit, inevitable minsan na mapaso ang dila mo…o tastebuds…basta…pakiramdam mo tuloy eh may grater sa loob ng bibig mo…yung ngalangala mo yung grater at yung dila mo ang keso…rawr…di ko pa nasusukat kung gaano katagal ang pakiramdam na ito eh…pero so far andito pa, at 8 hours na since nung uminom ako ng tea…tignan natin pagkagising ko mamayang umaga kung andyan pa rin…

gusto ko na tapusin ang thesis ko…iniisip ko na lang kung uunahin ko yung mga maliliit na papers o gawin na agad tong malaki…malamang false dichotomy na naman to…isip kasi ako ng isip…naaalala ko tuloy yung pinapanood ko kanina…para kasi ito yung pakiramdam pag kunyari, asa bus ka, tapos nakita mong walang katabi yung crush(limerent) mo…so gusto mong tabihan pero stuck ka sa kakatitig dun sa upuan at kakaisip kung paano ka uupo dun at kung ano naman ang mangyayari pag nakaupo ka na dun…tapos maiinis ka na lang sa sarili mo pag may umupo na nga dun at iisipin mo na lang na bakit ba hindi ka na agad umupo dun kanina…kasi minsan, kailangang tigilan ang pag-iisip para may magawa…

eto payo ko…kapag may bumabagabag sayo, tapos di mo matanggal sa sistema mo kasi ayaw mo namang ikwento, kasi lahat na lang nagpapaalala sayo nito, o kasi sumusulpot lagi bigla bago ka matulog, eh idaan mo sa sigaw…oo, sigaw…isigaw mo sa dagat, sa loob ng soundproof room ng mga karaoke bars, o kaya sa unan mo…dapat sigaw talaga ha…as in ubusin ang laman ng baga sa bawat sigaw…buong pwersa at buong gigil na isigaw ang nilalaman ng isip, puso’t damdamin mo…isigaw mo lang…promise, pagkatapos eh gagaan ang pakiramdam mo…ang sarap…kakaibang feeling…

ang bagal ng araw no??? napansin niyo ba na january 21 pa lang…ako nga eh nagugulat…sabi ko na lang eh maganda nga iyan, mabagal ang oras kaya magtrabaho ka na…kaya nga lang pag nanonood na ng palabas o kaya ay nagsusulat na eh biglang bumibilis, humahabol ata bigla ang oras…andaya naman o…nananadya ata ang mundo…

narinig ko itong kantang ito nung biyernes at naisipan ko lang ishare…sige sulat natin habang nakikinig sa Bohemian Rhapsody ng Queen at sa All at Once ng The Fray; ang dalawang kanta sa playlist ko…weird b??? ahahaha

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99.  If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proven by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

Title: Everybody’s Free
Artist: Baz Luhrmann
Album: Something for Everybody

pasado alas-dose nako nakauwi nung biyernes…maraming dahilan tulad ng world pyro olympics, mahirap sumakay dahil sa dami ng tao, at sadyang malayo ang bahay ko…

matatagpuan sa ibaba ng isang burol sa tabi ng ilog ang bahay ko…kung tatanungin mo ang geology professor ko ay hindi ito isang magandang lokasyon para tayuan ng isang bahay…at dahil alam mo na ang sagot eh di mo na siya kailangan tanungin…

pagbaba ko ng jeep eh kailangan ko pang maglakad ng kaunti…mas malayo pag lampas alas-diyes nako umuwi dahil sinasarado yung gate ng street namin kaya sa kabila ako dumadaan…

pag uwi ko nung biyernes ay natagpuan ko na naman ang sarili kong nakatingala sa mga bituin…nagniningning…kumikislap…kumukutikutitap ika nga…madaming bituin akong nakikita dito samin…eh pag nasa maynila eh halos wala…siguro sadyang ganito lang kalayo ang bahay namin…kasi wala naman kami sa mataas na lugar, pero andaming bituin pa rin ang maaari mong masilayan…

nung maliit pa ako ay nahilig ako sa mga bituin dahil sila lang yung pwede mong panoorin pag brownout…yun lang naman pwede mong gawin, lalo na pag tapos na kayong mag-taguan, mag-patintero, o kaya ay magkwentuhan tungkol sa  mga nakakatakot na bagay tulad ng aswang, mumu, at yung mga salvaged na katawan na binabato sa ilog sa likod ng bahay namin…nakakatakot pero masyado pa akong bata nun para maintindihan ng lubusan ang mga implikasyon nun…nde ko nga pinapansin eh…mas nakakatakot pa yung maggulatan sa dilim bago magsiuwian ang mga kalaro mo…

pag wala na sila, humihiga ako sa kalye at nakatingin na lamang sa kalawakan ng langit…nung bumuti na ang pamamalakad sa sistema ng kuryente eh umaakyat ako sa bubong namin para manood ng mga bituin…lalo na pag gusto kong mapag-isa…kaya andun ako, yung antenna, at minsan mga ilan-ilang pusa…sama-sama kaming nakatingin sa kawalan…ilang beses tuloy akong napagkamalang magnanakaw nung ginagawa ko yun…

pinakapuno ang langit ng bituin para sakin ay nung mga gabing natatagpuan ko ang aking sarili sa kalagitnaan ng dagat…lahat sila ay matutulog sa kani-kanilang higaan sa barko pero ako, hindi…naghahanap ako ng magandang pwesto sa gilid ng barko kung saan humahampas ang hangin sa mukha ko at dun ako titingala…nakatingin lamang sa mga diamanteng nakakalat sa langit…

anong ginagawa ko? wala…nagiisip ng kung ano-ano…nakatingin lang…ewan mo baka may shooting star eh makapag-wish pa…bihira naman yun…kaya titingin ka na lang talaga…

iniisip ko minsan na baka masyado nakong nag-iisip…ewan ko ba…puro kasi pantasya ang laman ng isipan ko…mga masayang alaala na baka mas gumanda pa kung iba ginawa ko o kaya ay mga pantasya ng mga magandang maaring mangyari kung ganito ang gawin ko…basta…matatawa ka na nga lang rin sa mga nakakahiyang bagay na ginawa mo sa nakaraan eh…mukha kang ewan na nakangisi ng mag-isa sa ilalim ng langit…kahit ang puso mo ay nakangiti na rin sa mga alaalang masarap namnamin at balikbalikan…

minsan, may mga pagkakataon na itataas mo ang kamay mo at pakiramdam mo, kaya mo nang pitasin ang mga bituin isa isa at ilagay sila sa iyong palad…piliin at kuhain yung mga pinaka-maningning at pinaka-paborito mong bituin at hawakan sila magpakailanman…parang kaunti na lang…kaunting unat ng iyong katawan…kaunting banat ng iyong braso…kaunting tulak ng iyong kamay eh mapapasaiyo na ang minimithi mong kagandahan…at sa wakas ay mahahawakan mo na siya…

pero ano naman gagawin mo pag nasa palad mo na ang iyong pinakamamahal na bituin? ngayon maiisip mo na at itatanong sa iyong sarili kung bakit mo nga ba kinuha ang bituin na to…bakit…may dahilan nga ba?

kapag ginagabi ako ay may pagkakataon akong muli para tumingala at tignan ang kalawakan…tumingala at hanapin ang paborito kong bituin…at noong gabi na iyon, habang naglalakad ako pauwi ay iniisip ko kung bakit ko nga ba gusto ang bituin na iyon…bakit ko nga ba siya gustong pitasin mula sa kalangitan…bakit ko iyon gustong gawin…

at noong gabi na iyon dahan-dahang namulat sa isipan ko na hindi lahat ng bagay ay kaya kong hanapan ng dahilan…hindi lahat ng bagay ay may dahilan…at hindi sila naghahanap o kailangan ng dahilan…sadyang yun sila…

mahilig ako sa mga pantasya…mahilig akong gumawa ng mga nagniningning na mundo sa isipan ko na malamang ay di mangyayari…mga makikislap na diamanteng bunga ng aking isipang hindi mapakali…mga kumukutikutitap na bituing binibigyang buhay ng mga titik at oras na aking inilaan para sa kanila…

at minsan, may mga bituin din na hindi mo na kailangang isulat para magkabuhay…minsan may mga bituin na nasa harapan mo na…minsan may mga bituing kailangan mo lang talagang abutin…di mo alam kung bakit at di rin naghahanap ng dahilan…

kasi minsan, may mga bituin na kumikislap lamang kapag hawak mo na…

sinisipon nako…

tapos nagsimula na rin tumubo ang una sa dalawa kong wisdom teeth…ang alam ko kac eh dalawa lang yun…yun ang alam ko ha…

anlamig-lamig na dito samin…lakas na ng hangin tapos mahamog na pag umaga…yun talaga yung isa sa mga gusto ko dito samin…kahit pagkalayo-layo, liblib, at hinayupak na trapik ang kailangan kong harapin para makauwi dito eh ok lang…iba kasi talaga…

…pesteng sipon talaga to…hindi naman to dahil sa weather eh…isa na naman tong sporadic attack ng allergy ko, which usually ranges from makating lalamunan, to makating nostrils, to sipon galore, to machine gun sneezing…oo, yung klase na gagaan ang ulo mo ng sobra-sobra sa kakabahing…hindi masaya…

…may pinapanood na naman akong japanese drama, courtesy ng mga kaibigan kong gumagawa ng hobby ko para sakin…nagiging tagahingi na nga lang ako ng palabas eh…ahahaha…episode 5 pa lang naman ako ng "Nobuta wo Produce" or "Producing Nobuta." …grabe kras na kras ko na nga si Uehara Mariko, played by Toda Erika (1, 2)…first time ko palang siyang mapanood, di tulad nung iba kong kras na japanese actresses tulad nila Fukada Kyoko mula sa "Strawberry on the Shortcake" at Shiraishi Miho mula sa "Densha Otoko" at "Orange Days"…nung una di ko siya gusto, pero napaka-adorable niya kasi, lalo na sa episode 5…lamyo na, grows on you…wahahahahaha…tapos malaman laman ko lang na siya pala yung nagplay kay Misa Amane ng Death Note sa movie na galing sa animé, na voiced by Hirano Aya, na voice din ni Suzumiya Haruhi mula sa "The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya" wahahahaha… mas gusto ko pa rin si Asahina Mikuru kaysa kay Haruhi…ahahaha…mas kawaii kasi…wahahaha…ang galing ng mga koneksyon…dammit kailangan ko na mapanood yung kasunod…gusto ko pa ng Mariko-chan!!! >.<

masaya kasi manood ng mga ganito…para sakin…kac since nung nawala yung addiction ko sa video games eh wala nang may kakayahang mag-occupy ng isipan ko for extended periods of time…as in very-extended…obsession nga eh…well so far wala na, except dun sa certain person we all know about…anyway…sanctuary ko kasi to…

sanctuary…alam nu yun…yung lugar o state kung saan ka pwedeng maging "you being you for you" …maraming klase ng sanctuary…yung iba yung kwarto nilang naka-lock habang nakaheadphones at nakikinig sa music…o kaya yung paborito nilang swing sa playground ng village nila…meron din yung upuan sa harap ng computer nila…marami eh…para kac siyang state…parang field na emanated by you kung saan sa field na yun, ang importante lang ikaw…ikaw lang ang mahalaga…kaya napaka-fulfilling sa loob nun eh…ansarap sa pakiramdam…

mukha akong tanga pag ganun…kasi wala talaga akong pakialam sa labas pag andun nako…naka-focus sa screen at nagbabasa ng subtitles…inaabangan kung anong sunod na mangyayari…kasi yun ang gusto ko sa animé at japanese drama eh, ang hirap basahin o hulaan nung plot…di mo masabi yung kasunod…di katulad ng predictable na palabas dito satin…kahit yung mga western movies eh mararamdaman mo na yung sunod na mangyayari…tapos pag tama ka, wala na…boring na…

ewan ko…ganun lang kasi yun sakin…

mababaw naman kasi kaligayahan ko…ok nako sa mga ganitong palabas…kahit sabihin na nating mahirap makakita ng ganito, tapos namimili pa ako di ba…pero sapat na kasi yan para mabuhay ako sa mundo…"keri na" sabi nga nila

ewan ko ba…ang haba kasi ng bakasyon…makapaglinis na nga lang…31 na kasi eh…happy new year everybody!!!

—

uy yung mga name nung mga peeps sa taas ay naka-last name-first name pattern dahil ganun talaga ang arrangement…western kac yung first name-last name…heads up lang!!!

sana na enjoy nyo yung mga hyperlinks…gandang idea nu!!! pag ganito uli yung post next time eh lalagyan ko na palagi ng hyperlinks…mga tamad kasi, mukhang click…ahahaha ^_^ v

ayoko na…

seryoso…

ayoko na talaga…

ilang araw nakong kapos sa tulog…pero parang ok nga yun kasi dahil dun ay game na game ako palagi para sa simbang gabi…wala man lang bahid ng antok…talaga kasing di ko mapigilan ang utak ko sa kaiisip sayo…

        tulad mo ba akong nahihirapan
        lalo’t naiisip ka
        di ko na kaya pa na kalimutan
        bawat sandali na lang 

rinding rindi na rin ako…

rinding rindi sa kaiisip ng dapat kong gawin para matapos na ang mga araw na pinapanood kong dahan-dahang magliwanag ang kwarto ko sa pagbangon ng araw…kahit anong pikit ko ay di ako maidlip…kahit anong posisyon ay di sapat upang matahimik…

         ngunit di mo naman pinapansin mga tawag ko
        di mo naman pinapansin mga sulat ko
        ano ba talaga ang gusto mong gawin ko?
        lahat naman ay kayang ibigay sa’yo
        kahit na mahirap basta gusto mo
        ano ba talaga para lang ako’y pansinin mo

grabe, bakasyon pa naman…

di ba pag bakasyon dapat nakakapagpahinga? hindi ba? siguro hindi ito bakasyon…siguro pumapatay lang ako ng oras sa kaiisip ng kaiisip ng kaiisip…di ko talaga alam ang gagawin…kaya heto, nagsusulat na naman dito…

        sa isang marikit na alaala’y
        pangitaing kay ganda
        sana nga’y pagbigyan na ng tadhana
        bawat sandali na lang
        sumabay sa biglang pagkabahala’t
        lumabis ang pagtataka
        tunay na pagsintang di alintana
        bawat sandali na lang

ayoko ring makita ang mga larawan mo…mas nakakabaliw lang kasi…mas di ako mapakali…mas di ako makahinga…mas gusto ko na sana tulog na lang ako…

        at aalis magbabalik
        at uuliting sabihin
        na mahalin ka’t sambitin
        kahit muling masaktan
        sa pag-alis
        ako’y magbabalik
        at sana naman

hahaha…ang feeling ko kasi…akala mo kung sinong magaling…akala mo kung sinong henyo…akala mo kung sinong dakilang nilalang…eh hamak na taga-lupa lang namang nabighani sa nakabubulag na kagandahan ng isang diwata…

        ikaw pala ang aking hinahanap-hanap
        ikaw pala, awit na di matanggal saking isipan
        di na mahalaga, kung saan ako dalhin ng hangin
        basta nandito ka saking piling

ayoko na talaga…nakakapagod kasing patakbo-takbo kang paikot-ikot sa isipan ko…kahit gaano pa kadilim, kahit gaano pa kalamig, kahit gaano pa ka-komportable ang higaan ko ay sadyang walang tulog kapag pumasok ka na sa isipan ko…ang galing mo pala talagang muse…andami ko talagang nasusulat eh…

        ngumiti kahit na napipilitan
        kahit pa sinasadya
        mo akong masaktan paminsan-minsan
        bawat sandali na lang

pero alam mo, hindi naman talaga ako magaling magsulat…maganda ka lang talaga…

for a friend…who gave me the idea to write this whole thing…she didn’t actually give it but more like assisted in the process where in the idea was born…if you think this is too long…blame her ^_^

oh yeah…i needed to get some sleep and i was still quite far from the end…so i decided to divide the story into three chapters i’ll finish over the next few days…next two in two days!

—

i: red

before the time of drive-ins and take-outs, before starbucks was synonymous to paying too much for good coffee, before kwek-kweks were even a speck of an idea, there was a time when you’ll have no problem getting a decent pirated copy of your favorite movie, series, animé, or video game on the street…hell, they weren’t decent…they were great copies! but move back from that time…yes, backwards…i know it’s hard but you’ve gotta trust me on this…backwards…backwards…a little more effort please…backwards…stop…

there was once a princess named red…her parents gave her that name so stop asking…now she was the only daughter of the king, who was also known in the kingdom as "the law," for reasons i don’t know yet. of course there was also the queen, who was a very nice and caring mother to the princess. now together with the king, they treated their daughter with such love and caring it puts any other parent to shame. they gave her everything she wanted and didn’t want, which is to say they gave her everything, the works…

now all that’s pretty cliché, right? seriously…but what sets this princess different from other princesses who ever or will ever exist, was her hobby…it’s also sort of a family tradition, but it’s also her hobby ok? she was into firsts…and she collected all the firsts she ever had which she kept in a room, which she considered her gallery, in one of her spires, out of all the spires of the castle that belonged to her…which might seem impossible if you ask me because how could you collect all the firsts that you ever had if you are not sure if it’s the first anyway…existential problem, i know! but that’s what her parents are for, remember? and didn’t i say it was also sort of a family tradition?

now these parents, which i will describe to you in great detail unlike other kings and queens in fairytales which are hardly mentioned at all unless they have a key part in the plot like being evil, or being killed, or even being dead even before the beginning of the story, are different. here you have the king, better known in and out of the ring as "the law," wasn’t into guitars or blue suede shoes…instead, he was into declaring stuff…and once he declares it, it becomes fact…his famous works include declaring the sky is blue, the sun is blinding, and that you get wet when it rains…and oh yes, that fire is hot, which he found out in a very interesting camping incident that i won’t tell you about…the queen, on the other hand, was just nice…nice and caring, like what mothers are usually supposed to be found to be…and as a supportive wife, she helps the king, who is also "the law," transform empirical observations into facts through the straightforward and legal way of declaration. her famous works include the look of the sunrise and the sunset, the design of all flowers, the sound of birds chirping, and of course, the definition of beautiful…

now you see all the princess knows came from her parents…and since her parents said that "honey, firsts are very important…so take care of them ok?" (which is what they said as they showed her the beginnings of her "firsts" collection which they started for her) she, being the obedient princess that she is and her dad being "the law," she obeyed and said "ok! mwah!"

now you might all be wondering who this princess is, how she looks like, what her celphone number is, and how come i named her but don’t use her name at all…well, let me just tell you about her then…she just turned 18, and you all know what that means, right? uhuh…uhum…yup, it’s an even number, divisible by 1, 2, 3, 6, and 9…the king said so…now this princess is so beautiful, you can’t possibly grasp how beautiful she is, because her mother the queen said so…if you want to have the slightest idea how beautiful she is, imagine the most beautiful girl you could ever imagine…once you’ve got that picture, hold on to it…hold on…tightly…now rip it to shreds because she’s way more beautiful than that…infinitely more…the king said so…

now it was the first time for the princess to be up and about outside the palace…which she ecstatically enjoyed since its her first…now i know you’re asking how come it’s her first time to be out of the palace in 18 years…oh you weren’t asking that? you want me to go on with the story? well, by outside the palace i mean outside her room, which is actually a spire, one of the many spires of the castle, which she just left…she was wandering around her mother’s garden, which is her first time to see, so she was ecstatically enjoying herself…now after much wandering and enjoyment, she happened to find a creature which she knows she hasn’t seen before…and since this was her first time, she joyfully exclaimed

"so cuters!" 

the creature replied, "huh?"

"so cuters!" the princess exclaimed again.

the princess was so happy that she immediately grabbed the creature and went to her father…it was not her first time to be running to her father with an unknown creature in her arms so she knew exactly where to find him.

"daddy! daddy! look what i got! so cuters!" the princess beamingly said.

as the king, who is also "the law," looked at the princess, she saw her holding a perfectly clean plump little pig…seemed too fat for its own good too…it was white as snow…hmmm, no whiter…it was as white as #FFFFFF and had a sparkling set of eyes and eyebrows as black as #000000…

"that’s a pig, dear. now go bring that to your room. i do believe we’ve already picked a place for that pig in your gallery. i think its between ‘piffling’ and ‘pig iron.’ no i don’t think! i declare it to be so!" the king’s voice echoed through the halls.

so the princess hurriedly ran to her room…and true enough, there was a door there named "pig." she went through and placed the pig in that room.

"so cuters!" exclaimed the princess again.

"yeah i know i know…quit it already." the pig replied.

oh yeah, since it’s the princess first time to have a pig, she didn’t know pigs aren’t supposed to talk to her like how it just did…

"anyway, i forgot my introduction…i’m white, the magical, mystical, uber cool pig…but white would do…so how may i be of service?" the pig said

"oh oh! hi whitey! you’re so cuters!" the princess beamed

"i know…i get it…so get on with the wishes already…" the pig said.

"wishes? what do you mean wishes?" the princess asked

"i mean i can give you anything you want…yeesh…"

at this point, the pig didn’t know whether to be irritated or be amazed at the princess’s naiveté…it seems the pig has found a truly innocent person…something he didn’t thought possible without his help…made him say to himself "now i’ve seen everything…"

"wow anything!!! my parents give me everything i want and don’t want…but i never got anything from them!!! weeee!!!" the princess exclaimed, and started playing with the pigs cheeks…grabbing it from side to side…then hugged the pig in her vice-like grip and started swaying side to side singing "i’m going to get anything! i’m going to get anything!"

"ok ok! you’ll get anything, my dear princess…just put me down first!" shouted the pig

"are you mad? because i don’t want you to be mad…not at me…" the teary-eyed princess sobbingly said

"no no, i’m not mad…i’m just clarifying something…now please don’t cry…" the pig said, trying to assuage the teary-eyed princess…

"yey anything! toink!" and the princess started playing with the pig again

"so what will it be, my dear princess…what will be your anything?" the pig said

"hmmm, i know! how about we check firsts i don’t have yet! then we could pick one, i could have that, then move to another one! this way i could complete my firsts collection in no time at all! what a wonderful pig you are!!!"

the princess, pig in arms, ran out of the room labeled "pig" and quickly ran around the gallery…at times, swinging the pig in the air in blissful bliss…

"ok! i found one!" the princess shouted

"so what shall be your first wish, my dear princess?" the pig asked

the princess, at the mention of the word "first" exploded with glee and exclaimed…

"i want my first boyfriend!"

woke up around just past 7 am yesterday…i looked at my phone and pushed some button to shut the alarm clock up…

realized that i was awake again, and that i was woken up by the tune i made while messing with the features of my phone, which i later turned into my alarm clock sound, which has been screaming at me for quite some time now…i decided to turn the alarm clock off altogether…it was 08:36 am…

oh yeah, i’m supposed to be somewhere by 10…this thought crossed my mind for a few seconds and i dozed off again…

in between that time and 12:30 pm, sleep was intermittent…i kept waking up to the sound of my phone telling me that another text message has arrived…i just looked at it, barely understood the message, and went back to sleep…

by 12:36 pm, i realized that i can no longer fall asleep…and as much as i love sleep, there are limits to how long i can sleep…my record high was 37 hours straight sleep…damn those were lazy days…

got up and remembered that sometime ago i got a message that i should prepare to meet someone so we could go attend the lantern parade together…ok, so that meant i had to fix up…

kept singing breaking free from high school musical or lifehouse’s blind in the shower…at some point between rinsing my head and towel drying my hair, i said to myself that the reason i’m up now and not hours before was because 10 am was too early for a sleepyhead like me, not to mention that i didn’t want to watch the oblation run…didn’t want to wear my red shirt either…

was eating my lunch when one my friends was asking where i was…replied that i was eating lunch…found out that she was looking for me because i was supposed to treat them today…thought to myself did i say today? oh i said maybe today, and that i wanted to eat a piece of blueberry cheesecake today…or the whole cake…

was out and about, on the way to manila to pick up a pair of cds from my friends over at the internet cafe, and at the same time going to arrange how i was going to pick up a friend on the way to the lantern parade…so i got there, got my cds, even shared a theme for a friend’s phone…it had an animated main page where there was a christmas tree that had blinking lights and snow falling…liked it a lot…

on the way to where i was supposed to pick up my friend was where the whole day changed from "hey this is going to be a fun day!" to "roger that, we’re going in…"

"agent, we have reports that one of our envoys has been abducted from the peace negotiations and is currently being held against her will."

"what do we have on the situation?"

"as of 1641 hrs, we have received conflicting orders on how to proceed. we are certain that the location of the target has not changed."

"so what do you want me to do?"

"you are to move in on the target: rescue the envoy from all hostile forces."

"ok, simple enough."

"moreover, the envoy is an experienced diplomat and has close relations to her captor…reports say that she is negotiating her release."

"sheesh"

"ok here’s the plan. this is going to be a standard extraction operation. you go in fast, you go out fast. no heroics. understood?"

"whatever"

had my orders clear and simple…i decided to take one of the hoverbikes to get there sooner…dammit…and it was such a fine looking day…still hot and humid though, this weather just doesn’t let up…

on the way there, i was able to communicate with the envoy…she told me that i should hurry as her situation is not improving…not one bit…and i thought to myself what kind of experienced diplomat is this…she was able to clear up the exact coordinates of her current location though…i knew exactly what to do…

had to ditch the hoverbike at the end of the causeway since it heads smack into one hell of a ravine…i had to take the train transport from here…and i had to pay for the hoverbike gas too…dammit…i just needed to get there sooner…

took the train and payed the exact fare…i loved the exact fare lines, they may be long sometimes but they’re fast…as i went down the stairs, i noticed that the train was starting to move…it was not a smart idea to get on a moving mag-lev train transport, but hell i had to get there asap…slid down the stair railings, rolled, and then jumped smack into the last pod…lucky huh…

train sure was fast…got down just a few clicks from the target’s location…at this point i received a communique from control that there was official word on the status of the envoy…she had to talk to me, so they patched her in…

"here’s what’s going on…my captor is asking me to choose…if i let you get me, he’ll leave, but promises to make the rest of my life a living nightmare…if i let him escort me to base without any rescue attempts, he will part amiably…i don’t know what to do…i want to get out of here, out from him, and be back at control with you guys, but at the same time i believe i can reason with him, especially if i let him take me to base…what do you think i should do?"

at this point, with my adrenaline rushing and my mind set on the logistics of the area, i sure as hell didn’t know the answer to that question, nor did i want to answer it…i was an agent for crying out loud…not the diplomacy advice columnist…what the hell should i say?!?

and that was when i recalled this line from a movie…so i told her…

"with all due respect ma’am, you’re the only one who can answer that question…search your heart for the answer…for what you know to be true, and you’ll know what you have to do."

and after a few minutes, i got another communique from control, ordering me that the extraction operation has been officially cancelled…the envoy has chosen to allow her captor to escort her back to base…

and it was at this point that the day turned from "roger that, we’re going in…" to "oh my god i have to get there on time!!!"

since i was already out of the mrt station, i had to go back in…and as i was trying to get back in, lo and behold this chinese dragon of a line to the ticket booths…it was like dying, being on the snake road, and trying to get to kami-sama the first time…yes, without the training yet…which meant no flying…

got a message that the parade was starting…great…

realizing that it was utterly hopeless to stay with this line, i went down and decided to take another taxi straight to the lantern parade…and after walking, haggling, and 11 taxi drivers, i decided to take a bus from ayala station…

edsa and being stuck in traffic comes so good together it was irritating…i guess i knew that at this rate i would be lucky to see half the parade…

i went down at the central station and decided to take the mrt from there, hoping that the line would be a baby snake, not a full-grown chinese dragon…

yes! baby snake!

while in the mrt, i was thinking how this day could get any worse…hmm, the train could stop…aliens could suddenly decide that it was the perfect time to invade the earth and start by immobilizing all transportation…or the rapture could suddenly happen…some people suddenly disappear, including the driver of the train who was apparently a devout christian…or worse, she went there today, and i wasted a whole day’s worth of a chance to be with her…

the day did get worse…

i got off at quezon avenue station, ran down the stairs only to find there was another chinese dragon of a line for a ride to the parade grounds…so i quickly got out of there and decided to take my chances outside…

it was exactly one hour since the parade started…it was probably over, and then i got a message to meet my friends at philcoa…

it seems the day wasn’t finished with me yet as the ride i got had the nerve to hang out till the damned thing was full past capacity…i was probably breathing in the dead skin cells of the old man beside me…i could almost see the fine hairs on his arms move to my breathing…and there was the weather…and the traffic…and it was dark, increasing the chance that i may miss where i’m supposed to meet them…

got a message to meet them at a franchisee of a popular fast food chain…

due to the slow traffic, i was able to get out exactly where i had to, and then sat down at the stairs in front of the establishment, in hopes that they’d see me and drag me in…

i was tired and i was looking at the sky, not seeing any stars, except for this tiny twinkle which i suspected to be a plane…i was right because it suddenly disappeared…or maybe it was a ufo?

got a message that they were already inside…

so i gathered what was left of my will, tried to put on a pleasant face, and went in…totally sucked at the pleasant face part…

some pleasantries then attended to my duties then went home…

oh yeah, found out she was there today…and i’m sorry if i frightened everybody by suddenly smacking the table next to me…

bad day…

as we were going home in the auv, i shared some of what has happened today, and then decided to eat dinner with two of my friends…

dinner was fun…got hooked on chicken because of my friend who has been craving  chicken since yesterday…even catched up with the envoy and her captor…then both of them left and the envoy came back and the four of us chatted about love, life, ethics, angels, and other nonsensical stuff that make the world such a strange, cruel, and amazing place to be in…

then i got home, and then this…now let’s see if i can still get some sleep before the wee-hours-of-the-morning mass…i have 10 days to go for a wish to ask with a promise to keep…